Graveyard Musings
by Weisse Einsamkeit
Summary: Re-write. Hiatus.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Bored, so terribly bored. So I'm hopefully going to write something to get over this boredom! Yea that doesn't sound right… Anyway enjoy!

Summary: Ichigo goes for a walk and ends up in a place he shouldn't have. Past ShiroIchi. T. Oneshot, may do more.

Disclaimer: I don't own.

It's cold. The harsh wind relentlessly beating against my face as I made my way down the sidewalk. The grey sky taunting me with every step I took, laughing at every miserable failure I took upon myself to take the blame for. It refused to rain, refused to relish me in the one thing I wished for, the one thing that could possibly wash away the sorrow. The one thing that could drown everything I've ever felt. The clouds hang over my head for days, the dreary darkness of weather that absolutely denied everyone the satisfaction of glorious rain. Rain I have grown to hate, the rain that gave me the sick satisfaction of wanting to wash away the pain, the memory, of the blood on my hands. I look upon the sky wondering, hoping that the sky would give way, just this once. There doesn't seem to be any chance though as the sun slowly makes an appearance from behind a thick grey monster. Scowling, I pulled my hood up and continued my brisk walk towards the cemetery.

"This was all your fault," I spat out to the gravestone, "You should've stayed away." I finished, taking out a cigarette from the pack and lighting it. I leaned up against the gravestone, taking a long drag before effectively almost coughing up a lung. I threw the cigarette on the ground, stomping on it with disgust. Disgust at the cigarette and at my own stupidity. Why the hell did I come here anyway? Did I like rubbing it in my own face? Nice going Ichigo, what are you going to do next? Kill your sisters? That thought pained my heart and I sunk to the ground, my back now resting on the side of the gravestone.

"Why? Why didn't you stay away? You kept on insisting you loved me and now look where you are! You fucking idiot!" Sighing I continued, "Oh well, I guess it's partly my fault. I led you on, made you think I loved you back. All those sweet nothings you whispered in my ear, and I sat back blushing like some fucking horny school girl. Ha! I bet you thought I was some sweet little virgin! It's ok though, I guess. I keep asking myself why, why I killed you. That's not normal for someone who supposedly has no regrets doing it." I sighed again, shifting my weight to get comfortable. "You know, Shiro, you really did bring this on yourself."

Seeing as there was no other possible way to get comfortable, no matter how I shifted my weight, I stood dusting my pants off and began to walk away. I looked back at the grave and felt myself walking back. Leaning back on the balls of my feet, I dusted off the fine lettering.

** Shirosaki Hichigo**

** July 15, 1984-August 26, 2011**

** Wings Are Useless **

I remember the day Shiro wrote that poem. It was raining that day, the sky opened up allowing the earth to be drenched in a cold, unforgiving wetness. It created a melodic rhythm, one of regret, ruefulness. He woke up after a long nap, talking of inspiration and such. I faintly remember a stanza of the poem.

"You're so afraid. You can't fly with this broken wing. What kind of angel can you be? You listen to what is said. How you will never please your king…" Trailing off, forgetting the rest, or just not bothering to remember, I sat down my ankles getting sore. I looked back up at the sky, the sun disappearing once again, the rain still not gracing me with its wondrous presence. I want to feel the coolness of the droplets run down my face. The rains innocent morals to overshadow my dismal ones. Alas, the weather has other plans, for no rain falls. I put my head down, my once vibrant orange hair overshadowing my eyes. I think about Shirosaki. That retarded albino fool. I think about the night I killed him. The night I finally showed him how wrong he really was about his "Sweet lil Berry."

"Heh, I remember how pissed off I used to get at you for calling me that. Although I think Snowflake was a pretty good comeback." I said with a smirk. There it was again, that feeling of despair. I was the one that took your life. I shouldn't be feeling things like despair, agony.

"In all actuality Shiro, I guess… I guess I had a soft spot for you. That night… That night I took your life, that night I beat you, drugged you, shot you, I cried. I cried for hours and I couldn't understand why I cried!" I brought my hand to my face and withdrew it. Damn it, I was crying. "I cried so much I passed out, I woke up the next morning covered in your blood and I ended up puking. I don't understand why they haven't caught me. They should've caught me. I want them to. Shiro I want them to catch your killer. Let's face reality though, they don't care about you, and they don't care about me. Therefore I'll walk away and you'll stay here, sleeping for eternity, while I live out my days finally regretting everything I have ever done to you. Every lie I have ever told you." A father and, what I assumed, his child walked past dressed in all black. They looked so sad and pathetic. I chuckled; I'm one to talk, blubbering like an idiot, like you can actually hear me, Shiro.

"Are you happy?" I asked again getting up, it was getting late. "Are you happy I finally regret everything? That I finally cried over you? ... I am." With that I wiped my eyes and stretched until my back popped. Taking one last glance at the grave I began walking down the deserted sidewalk. The sun began to set, for the clouds were a darker grey than they originally were. The stale, humid air was even more frigid as I pulled my hood back up, sneaking one last glance at the cemetery gates. I looked up at the sky as a drop landed on my cheek. After taunting me, after years of regret;

It began to rain.

A/N: There! Done! I appreciate feedback, what do you think? Continue or no?


	2. Regret and Reestablishment

A/N: Only three reviews, but that was enough for me! I am continuing this lovely little story! I hope you enjoy it. :) I don't want to confuse anyone so… This will go from present to past. So from Ichi's present life to his past life. Shiro lives! If only in the past…

Summary: Ichigo goes for a walk and ends up in a place he shouldn't have. Past ShiroIchi. T. Kinda Angsty...

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Graveyard Musings: Regret and Re-establishment

I woke up to an incessant pounding on my front door. Rolling off my bed, my face greeting the floor as a result, I picked myself up and made my way down the stairs. I glanced out the window as I passed it by, the rain stopped. The grey clouds still looming overhead as if taunting me, telling me they only wanted me to feel a temporary reprieve. They wanted me to feel for what I did. Shaking my head, feeling the beginnings of a migraine, I wrenched open my door, my ever-present scowl presenting itself to the highly unwanted guess.

"Ichi-Ichigo…" My features immediately softened at seeing my little sister's sweet adolescent face.

"Yuzu? What do you want?" That came out harsher than I wanted it to, but I really didn't want to deal with anyone right now. Closing the door half-way so that my body was blocking any sight into my ungodly apartment, I narrowed my eyes at my fifteen year old sister.

"Umm, I-I haven't talked to you i-in a wh-while Ichi-nii." She said in that innocent tone, making my heart pang as she stuttered. Why did my little sister stutter around me? Why did I scare my little sister! I gripped the door-frame, my knuckles turning white. I bit my lip, furrowing my eyebrows as I studied her face. She had grown up, her wavy honey locks reaching mid-back, brown doe-eyes looking at me with genuine concern. I loosened my grip on the door-frame.

"Yuzu, why don't you come in?" I said, opening the door trying my best to feign a smile. I saw her give the tiniest smile as she nodded her head, accepting my offer and venturing into my messy apartment. She sat down on the couch, after clearing a spot, and looked straight at me. I knew there was so much she wanted to say. I knew there was so much that she could say, but never would. Ever since Shiro's death I cut myself off from my family. No one ever knew… they never suspected it was me. They think little Ichi is so innocent. That little Ichi is suffering, that he's heart-broken and grieving. They don't know the monster I really am… Clearing my throat I glanced back at Yuzu, not realizing I was staring at the floor in the first place.

"Want anything to drink?"

"If you don't mind," she said giving me that sweet smile. I walked in the kitchen, grabbing two glasses. I didn't know exactly what to serve a fifteen year old girl to drink. Water? Would water be fine? Or maybe tea? Would she prefer a coke? I know I would. I'm thinking into this too much. Filling both the glasses with iced tea, I walked back into the living room, setting her glass on the table in front of her. She reached for it gingerly, as if I would yell at her for even thinking about drinking the tea. Taking a sip she relaxed and I took this as a sign to sit down next to her.

"How have you been?" I asked, trying to start conversation.

"I've been good! I got an award in school for literary excellence! Karin got one for excelling in sports. She is travelling to Europe over the summer to compete in a worldwide competition. Daddy is doing pretty well with the clinic; we made some extra money this year. Life has been pretty good I guess." She said trailing off, glancing at the floor. She had such a dejected look on her face. If life has been pretty good, why such a look? Does she miss me? Why would she miss such a… A demon? Maybe life wasn't that good; maybe there was something wrong with Goat-face, or even Karin. Maybe there was something wrong with her?

"I miss you Ichigo." So that was it.

"You shouldn't Yuzu. You're having a wonderful time, you're succeeding in life, and you're happy. Don't let something silly like that get you down."

"But Ichi-nii! You used to love visiting us! After your classes you would come see us and we would talk for hours and play games and… and…" Setting the glass down she began to cry. "Ever since Shi-nii died… You've become distant. You spend all your time at your job, you never visit anymore. When you aren't working, you're out drinking or you're here sleeping! Ichigo I-I don't want to lose you too!"

I let my head hang as I listened to my sister rant at me. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for myself. When she said Shi-nii I grimaced, I took him away from you Yuzu. You don't want to lose me, yet I took him away from you. She continued to sob as I just sat there, staring at my horrible mahogany carpet. Her body wracked itself with sob after sob as she let go of everything she held in at home. Also letting go of myself, if just for a moment, I wrapped my arms around her. She flung herself into my arms, clinging to my T-shirt. We stayed like that, me petting her head, until she calmed down after a few minutes.

"Are you okay now, Yuzu?" I asked.

She nodded, "I should be heading back, daddy might get worried." Nodding, I helped her stand up as she gathered her things.

"Will you be okay walking home alone?"

"Yea, Ichi-nii," she said smiling. "Thanks, for listening." I tensed up. Is that what that was? Listening to my little sister's problems? That was more than just simple problems. Shaking my head, I leaned down and kissed her forehead. She gave a small giggle and waved good-bye, shutting the door behind her.

"That… was interesting." Sighing I made my way up to my room, glasses forgotten on the table. What the hell was that anyway? That whole big brother façade? That was all shattered the night I took his life. I sighed again, plopping down on my bed. Burying my face in the pillow, I screamed. I screamed as the tears soaked my face, along with my pillow. Desperation overtaking me, an unfamiliar tightness in my chest, I began pounding on the mattress. One word coming to my mind, overshadowing my senses;

"Shiro!"

'~G*Y*M~'

"Ichi, you look fuckin' retarded!" Shiro said with a cackle.

"Shut up, this was your idea anyway." I snapped.

"Aww, is my Aibou bitter? Well we'll 'ave ta change tha'." He said in a silky purr, crushing my body closer as I struggled to get away.

"Damn it, Shiro! We're in public! At a kid's party!" We were currently at a kid's party, my uncle's daughter's tenth birthday party to be precise. Shiro insisted we come after we received an invitation. Saying something about needing to get the stick out of my ass. In order to avoid any more jokes about it not being his stick, I reluctantly agreed, and now here we were, me donning a horribly cliché party hat. Shiro began nibbling at my ear, so I decided this was a perfect time to push him off me.

"Kingy ya are no fun!" Shiro whined.

"Shut up."

"There's my favorite nephew! Oh, and his little albino lover." Shiro sneered at the remark, quickly shooting back a retort of his own.

"Whatever Hat-and-Clogs, go fuck yer lil' kitty cat." I gaped at him while Kisuke just smirked behind his fan.

"Will do, more than you get."

"Kisuke!" I shrieked, albeit manly. He snickered, walking off.

"He has a goo' idea, Ichi." Shiro said, getting too close once again. I scoffed pushing him away as the birthday girl ran up.

"Ichi!"

"Hey Lily! Happy Birthday!" I said giving her a hug. She ran off after that, never being able to stay in one place.

"Come on, Berry let's leave 'm bored." I sighed as Shiro's arms found their way around my waist. Nodding I stood up, Shiro following suit as I went to say my good-byes to my family. We made it a good two blocks away from the pizza place before Shiro began molesting me again.

"I like yer ass Ichi." He said winking at me, while grabbing at my ass. I swatted his hand away as it just found its way back again. I let him keep it there, getting a few appreciation squeezes in return, as we made our way home. I hate how he treats me like a total chick. I'm not a girl. I never was, nor will I ever be a girl. He pisses me off with that cocky attitude, and that "I-know-all" smirk.

"I love you, aibou."

"I love you, too," my automated response. I couldn't help it, after almost two years with this albino I couldn't help but give him some sort of inkling, lest he get suspicious. I didn't want to lose whatever the hell we had. Shiro calls it love, I call it lust.

"Let's say we 'ave some fun, ne?"

"No."

"Please, King?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't want too."

"Ya never want ta anymo'e"

"Sorry."

"Whatever." I looked over to see Shiro sulking, his lower lip puckered out in a child-like fashion. He was… Cute. Looking away I looked up to the sky to see the stars shining brightly. The moon was full, a gorgeous array of misty white, basking the Earth in its faint light. Drawing in a deep breath and exhaling just as deeply, I glanced back over at Shiro to see him staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Wha' are ya thinkin' 'bout?"

"Nothing. Just looking at the moon."

"Sounds like the bitch you are." He said in a teasing tone.

"Whatever," I said chuckling a bit. We made it back to the apartment, Shiro's dog barking like a fucking crack head on steroids. Shoving the dog with my foot I made my way into the house.

"Don' kick Nnoi!"

"I didn't kick the damn dog, but I can." Humphing, Shiro plopped down on the couch.

"Yer so mean taday Ichi."

"Mhmm."

"Seriously, wha's wrong?"

"Nothing. I told you. I'm just tired I guess." Shiro gave me a feral grin and hopped up from the couch, grabbing my wrist.

"Well le's go ta bed, then!" Sighing I let myself get dragged, actually too tired to fight. Shiro shoved me on the bed, removing his shirt and climbing in next to me.

"'m not gonna do anythin', promise," he said, wrapping his arms around my waist, kissing my forehead.

"Good night Ichi."

"Night, Shiro," I said, and I couldn't help but smile.

'~G*Y*M~'

I woke up in a cold sweat, my breathing labored, as I took in my surroundings. I was in my room, but I didn't remember falling asleep. Feeling anger boil up inside me, I felt around, grabbing the first thing that grazed my fingers and chucked it at the wall. I smirked, hearing the tell-tale sign of glass shattering. My smirk fell into a frown. Why did I remember that? I lifted my knees to my chest, the covers slipping off my torso. I began heaving. I'm going to be sick.

"Fuck!" I yelled as I rushed out of my room towards the bathroom. I barely made it as I emptied the contents of my stomach into the porcelain bowl. Dry-heaving for a couple more minutes, I laid my head against the toilet, relishing in the cool sensation it gave me. Slowly standing up, swaying as I did so, I made my way towards the kitchen, my stomach finally settling as I did so. Fuck this shit. Grabbing for the bottle of vodka above the fridge, I snatched my shot glass and headed for the living room. It's gonna be one hell of a party.

A/N: Sorry if it's not up to standards or whatever, I hate how the Shiro scene started but I love how it ended ^.^ I appreciate feedback!


	3. Not our First, Not our Last

A/N: Chapter 3… Sorry it took so long but Lemony goodness! My very first I might add! Ever. Enjoy!

Summary: Ichigo goes for a walk and ends up in a place he shouldn't have. Past ShiroIchi. T. One-shot, may do more. Kinda Angsty...

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Graveyard Musings: Not our first, Not our last

I hate waking up. I hate looking into this bathroom mirror, seeing these same dreadful locks and hollow eyes, dead, void of any light and life they might've once held. Every fucking time I look at my reflection I see the same thing over and over again. I see a poor excuse of a human-being who lives day-by-day as if it were a curse. I see someone who never tries to compensate for his failures, instead carrying them like a thousand rock-filled pails upon his shoulders. I see a monster, a demon, and it's only five minutes into the day.

Shaking my head, trying to clear my mind, I splashed the luke-warm water from the sink on my face. Looking back at the mirror, I scowled in resentment as I brought my arm back for a punch. Balling up my fist, bringing my arm back for the strike, my better sense got a hold of me. Exhaling a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding, I let my arm drop to my side as I got ready to take a shower. Walking into my room I stumbled over something. Cursing under my breath, I kicked the offending object, watching the empty vodka bottle smash against the wall. Great, now I have two piles of glass to clean up! Snarling, I grabbed the necessary clothing items from my dresser and headed for the shower. Damn, my fucking head hurt.

Walking into the kitchen, fully dressed, I grabbed my best friend after a hard night with my buddy vodka, Tomato Juice. Opening the can and mixing it with water, cuts back the taste, I plopped my sorry ass on the couch. Reaching for the remote, I flipped on the TV to do some good old-fashioned channel-surfing. Screw that, turning it on and leaving it on some god awful Soap Opera that was playing, I made myself comfortable as I sipped at my juice.

"Heh. What would you do if you could see my pathetic ass now?" I sat there in silence before it dawned on me who I was really talking to. My grip around my glass tightened as I clenched my teeth, my head hung. What the fuck am I doing? This isn't right! Yea, I regret it, every fucking minute of it, but why are you constantly plaguing my mind! My grip on the glass got tighter; my teeth so tightly clenched it hurt. I could feel the blood pounding in my head, making me see stars. Unclenching my jaw and setting the glass down, I grabbed my hoodie and my shoes and stormed out of my apartment.

'~G*Y*M~'

"Rawr!"

"Shiro! Shut the hell up and sit down!"

"Aight, aight, damn." He replied, sulking. He plopped down on the couch, ceasing his previous jumping, his legs swinging up before settling in a normal position. What dumbass tries to 'Touch the Sky!' from the couch? Shiro apparently. His sound effects, I guess you could call them, were necessary too, it seems. Just another morning, I smirked.

"Ya gotta admit, it was a pretty coo' idea." I sighed, smiling a bit, only Shiro.

"Pretty fucking stupid," I said, getting up from the couch. He whined as I grabbed a glass from the cabinet. I snorted as I found a pair of arms snake their way around my waist. I leant back as I chugged my water, basking in the warmth that was Shiro. He buried his face into my neck, his breath ghosting over my collar-bone. I slightly nudged him off as I made my way towards the living room. Shiro had other plans, though, as he grabbed my wrist, leading me towards our room, his eyes glazed over in lust.

The door slamming behind us, his chest became hurriedly exposed as he laid me down on the bed. He attacked my mouth, probing my lips with his tongue as he asked for entrance. I granted it and he took the opportunity greedily, sliding his thick wet muscle into my mouth. He ran his tongue across my teeth, feeling out every inch before wrestling my tongue for dominance. I pushed mine against his in a fruitless effort, knowing I would give in, but where was the fun without the chase? I began rubbing my hands up and down his chest, our mouths never ceasing their dance. He ran his fingers through my hair before the need to breath became too much to bare.

We pulled away, a string of saliva temporarily connecting our panting lips. I looked up at Shiro to see the saliva running down his chin, at the corners of his mouth, his eyes half-mast in wild lust. I could feel the saliva run down my own chin, making its way down my neck and shoulder, and onto the pillow below me. Shiro chuckled, leaning down towards me and breathing into my ear.

"God damn it King," he panted out, "I wanna fuck ya."

"Then do it." I replied with a smirk.

Cackling, Shiro dove down, capturing my lips in another searing kiss. My hands began roaming up his chest, grazing over his neck, before slowly retreating down that sinful chest. Our lips would break contact as air was needed, strings of saliva dripping onto my shirt. Hands were roaming over each other's bodies as Shiro finally pulled my shirt off, beginning to play with one of my nipples. He nipped at my neck, my back arching in pleasure, his nipple-play never ceasing as I let out a low throaty moan. I pulled away to look into his frightfully beautiful eyes. They were glowing in the dim lighting. I leaned forward, attacking his soft-spot, between the neck and shoulder. He let out a strangled moan as I continued to suckle on the spot. For wanting to fuck me, this was going nowhere.

I detached myself from his neck and made my way towards his jeans, leaving light bite-marks and butterfly kisses along the way. I fumbled with his belt-that retarded studded thing- before I finally got it off. I un-buttoned his jeans, slowly, as I teased his throbbing erection through the fabric. Getting impatient, Shiro grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands away before ripping his pants off the rest of the way. He then effectively yanked on mine, not in the mood for any games, them giving away easily as I wasn't wearing a belt. He began palming at my erection through my boxers, me throwing my head back in delight. My dick twitched in appreciation at the sudden attention it was receiving. A nice wet spot began forming on my boxers and I decided it was time to take them off. Before that could happen though, Shiro's had to come off too, so I looped a finger in the hem and tugged. The cloth slipped off easily, mine following seconds after. We shared a sharp intake of breath as the cold autumn air hit our throbbing members. I looked over to find him in all his naked glory, eyes still half-mast in lust, legs open shamelessly, dick standing proud. Well, we'll have to take care of that.

I shuffled over towards Shiro, crashing our lips together as I ground our throbbing dicks together. Shiro moaned in appreciation as I broke the kiss. I made my way down to his throbbing cock, staring at it for a minute before giving it a tentative lick.

"Nnh! Fuckin' 'ell Ichi!" Shiro gasped out. Smirking, I took another lick, gradually sucking in the tip as Shiro moaned above me. I could taste the pre-cum on my tongue and I had to force myself from gagging. Taking in more of his member, I relaxed my throat as I licked and sucked. I twirled my tongue around the member, humming every once in a while, earning more appreciative moans from the man above me. Without warning, I felt-and tasted- the hot white liquid shoot into my mouth. Clamping my throat shut, I quickly drew back as it spilled out of my mouth. I spit out what remained as Shiro finished cumming. He gave me a sheepish look and I sighed. That shit is disgusting.

"Le' me do ya Ichi."

"Not that, no."

"Bu' ya did me!" Shiro whined.

"It's disgusting!" I said matter-of-factly. Shiro crawled towards me, my penis twitching at the look he gave me, and yanked me onto my back. With a yelp, I landed on a pillow, Shiro grabbing my dick with his hand and beginning to pump slowly.

"Fuck," I let out breathlessly, "nngh… ah… Faster." Shiro complied, his hand speeding up its motions as I began to feel my stomach tighten.

"Shi… Shi, I'm-" I was cut off by my orgasm, stars dancing behind my eyelids as I struggled to catch my breath. Shiro wiped his hand on the sheets as he stood up and made his way over towards the dresser. He returned with a bottle of lube. I positioned myself on our bed, seeing as this wasn't our first time, as he poured a generous amount onto his fingers. He waited a moment before he probed my entrance and then slowly slid in the first finger. Gasping at the intrusion, I nodded for the second finger. Nodding back at me, he added the second finger, letting me adjust before starting the scissoring motions. After a few moments, he added the third finger, moving them around to fully stretch me for what was next. After I let him know the pain was almost non-existent, he withdrew the fingers, giving me a chaste kiss as he positioned himself at my entrance.

"Ya ready?" I nodded. In a swift movement, he thrusted it in until the hilt, his eyes rolled back in ecstasy as I encased his throbbing cock. After giving him the okay to move, he gave a few experimental thrusts to find my prostrate.

"A-ah! Fu-Fucking hell! There!" Smirking, Shiro angled himself in that same spot and started up a steady pace.

"Nnngh.. Fuck.. Ichi. Tight…" He moaned out, grabbing my aching cock. He began to jack me off.

"Oh… Ah… F-Fuck, f-faster… g-go faster," I panted out. Shiro obliged, starting a frenzied pace, hitting my prostrate dead-on with every skilled thrust.

"Nngh… Aah… S-so close… Ah…"

"Al-almost th-there, Sh-Shiro…" I moaned out. After a few more thrusts and jerks, I came all over his stomach. Shiro followed soon after, pulling out after a couple more thrusts, and collapsing on the bed beside me. Our sweaty bodies shone in the dimly lit room and our panting filled the air.

"Wha' do ya want ta eat?"

"Whatever is fine, but right now, sleep." I said in between pants. Shiro nodded as I curled up into his side, drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

'~G*Y*M~'

I looked up from my coffee. I arrived at the diner an hour ago, after storming out of my apartment. I swirled the black liquid in the cup as I gazed at my reflection. I grabbed a napkin and a pen the waitress left earlier, and began to write something down. About ten minutes later, I stood up, left some money on the table, and left.

I was met with a chilly wind, blowing in my face as I made my way towards my apartment complex. I stopped in front of an old building, scowling at it. It was the apartment building we used to live in. Hanging my head, I cursed aloud and began walking away. I didn't want to deal with this shit right now. I took a left, instead of the normal right, and headed towards the bar. Might as well do what Yuzu said I was best at, right? Right.


End file.
